Finding time for yourself can be hard when you are a parent. You are not just a parent. You are someone's child, a spouse, an employee or a business owner etc. Making time for yourself is very important. What I came to understand over the years is that only making time for yourself might not be as beneficial as you might think.
The role of a parent and more
As parents we tend to try and be and do everything. For a lot of parents, taking care of themselves comes last on their list, for some parents they aren’t even on their list. When parents do look after themselves it is usually something they do to charge their own battery. The problem is it will only charge their battery a little or for a little while. Do you recognise the feeling when you have been out to do something for yourself and as soon as you step in the front door it already seemed like you went out a month ago?
Why are you taking time for yourself?
There are different reasons why parents make time for themselves. When parents take time for themselves to reconnect with themselves, to be able to be themselves instead of all the other roles they take on, that would be fantastic. Unfortunately this is often not the case. Parents don’t take "time for themselves" to be themselves; they often take “time for themselves” to escape being everything else. When you make time for yourself to get away from “being everything else”, you will only step out of the situation. You are just getting a break from your busy life but you are not solving any things you need a break from. Stepping out of the situation doesn’t change the situation. You need to start asking yourself the question ‘why do you need to step out of the situation to have time for myself? Why is it all getting too much? Why do you feel overwhelmed?
You are responsible
When parents are sharing about how overwhelmed they are, they often hear that that is very normal. People say “feeling overwhelmed is just a phase while the children are young” or “maybe you should take on less roles in your life”. People are trying to tell you that it is not you who is in control of feeling overwhelmed. They are saying that it is all happening to you because of things or situations. This is not the truth. Even when you have a high needs situation or when everything in life seems to go bad, you are still in control of how you respond. For some people this is hard to hear. Especially for the people who feel like being the victim of an unfortunate life. I am not walking in your shoes so I will not tell you how to live your life. I have no idea what it is like to be you. I did learn over the years that just taking time for yourself to have a breather is not an effective way to recharge your battery.
What can I do?
In my opinion feeling overwhelmed can be added at the top of the ‘Anger Iceberg’ next to Anger. Feeling overwhelmed is a cause of all the feelings that are happening under the water in the bottom of the Iceberg. When you take time for yourself, you are taking care of the top of the Iceberg. The top of the Iceberg melts a bit and becomes smaller when you take time for yourself. Everything under the water (iceberg) is still there though. That part is not being influenced by “taking time off” at all. This is why I think that taking time for yourself is not as effective as really working on yourself. When you are working on yourself you are dealing with the emotions that are hiding under the surface of the water. When you are working on those emotions, the impact of taking care of yourself is much greater.
How can I do it?
Working on yourself with a professional is always the best option. There are many different professionals in many different fields that are able to help you. Besides going to a professional you can read some self help books that are available. This will complement your treatment with a professional. There are also worksheets online by Byron Katie however I do recommend you to read her book first. This is also to complement the treatment you are going through with a professional.
Start investing in yourself
When you really value your life, you should take charge of it. The sooner you realise that there is no one to take care of you, the sooner you will learn that in order to change your life, you have to step up for yourself. No one is going to save you. No one is going to knock on your door and tell you that they will take over your life so you can go to the Bahamas for two weeks. Even if there was someone sending you to the Bahamas, you would still have to do the work on yourself and not sit on the beach going on your phone the whole day or trying to avoid all your feelings by drinking cocktails.
You are not alone
There is a reason why I am writing this blog. I haven been that angry, overwhelmed and stressed mother. You are not alone. Everyone is on their own personal path so for me that meant that I had to go through all the things that were happening under the surface of the water myself. Being a mother triggered a lot of emotions and my children growing up caused a lot of 'eye opening' moments. It gave me the chance to be confronted with situations and gave me moments to heal. It did take time and effort. It was a journey that was hard at times but in the end it was worth it and it gave me a lot more calmness and the feeling of being in control of my life.
It is ok not not be ok.
Please reach out if you feel you need to speak to someone after reading this article.
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