Today I got to hang out with Darcy. Almost 12 weeks old and a truly handsome red head with blue eyes and an 'I don't like to to sleep during the day' attitude. When I arrived at the house mum told me baby Darcy was very clingy today due to a blocked nose. Poor mum and of course poor Darcy. What a journey they have been on already. In my head I go back to those days that I was sitting on the couch with my newborn. Born in the middle of winter in Europe a snotty nose is a given. Those days were not the best days because as a mum, you are literally stuck to baby all day. There is no taking them to bed, putting them in a bouncer or even in the pram. No, you will have to sit and do nothing but kissing and hugging mostly. That sounds really nice and not bad at all when you have to do it for an hour. But an hour is not the same as twenty four hours, or even forty eight or seventy two. What I can remember is that it was always such an internal fight with myself. I know all I needed to do was sit or lay down with him on me but I had so much trouble with it. I was constantly fighting with myself internally about cleaning the house, feeling guilty for sitting still, not being able to do the washing, shopping, cooking, catching up with friends, responding on emails or texts. I felt worthless for just sitting on the couch with my sick baby.
Now I got to sit on the couch with Darcy and I realised how hard I was on myself back then. I now understand how I should have accepted that by just being there for my son was enough. That life was teaching me there and then to be there for my baby and to enjoy the fact that I could be there for him instead of telling myself what I couldn't do while I was being there for him. I ignored that moment by listening to the critical me. The critical me who told me what I was doing wrong, how I was not doing the right things and how I was failing in being a good mum, wife and friend. Everybody keeps telling us how important it is to enjoy the newborn stage because it's not lasting very long but you are not thinking of that while you are in the middle of it. When you are in the middle of it you have the feeling it never ends. But why do I (or maybe even we) prioritise what people expect or what people might think of us over what we need ourselves?
When did other peoples' opinion or view of our life start to be more important than our needs? Having a newborn is giving away of yourself so much already, can we please stop trying to please others as well? All that energy could be spend much better. On ourselves.
Looking back I really don't care now if my house was messy. I don't think about whether we had a healthy dinner that night or if I forgot to wish someone a happy birthday. They were such big things at that time but even just a week later I didn't think of all the things I couldn't do because I was on the couch with a sick baby. But what I do realise now is the fact that I did sit on the couch, that did make a big difference. Because even though I was fighting inside, I was there for my baby. All he needed was his mother and I was there. Her didn't mind if I had make up on, if I made my deadline at work, if my house was clean or if dinner was ready. All he needed was for me to be there.
What I would like to share with mums or mums to be, please don't be hard on yourself. Ignore that critical voice and try to be there for your baby in a mindful way. When (s)he has a little nap on you, don't think about the stuff that you can't do but think about the stuff that you have. Your health, your couch, your house, your life. You can even meditate while (s)he is asleep. Listen to all the little sounds (s)he's making and whenever someone asks what you did, you tell them "I was there for my baby because (s)he needed me" and that is enough. We mums all have to stop this "I can do anything and everything" attitude because if we don't stop it, our children will have the same feeling or even worse. We are now responsible for the future. If we keep pretending that giving birth is easy as going to the hairdresser and post on Insta a week after giving birth that everything is fine and life is perfect, what kind of message are we sending then? When we set the bar so high, the expectations become high as well. This is so unfair for someone who still has to give birth because it could make her feel so much worse when her life is not Insta worthy one week after birth.
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